Admitting It To Myself

I had a dream about a week ago. Even as a future Psychologist, I don't put a whole lot of stock into dream analysis. At least, I don't believe that colors and symbols play a large role in the dreams people have. I instead lean more towards dreams as a means of roleplaying for your brain. Your mind attempts to synthesize what you've done that day and in the past, and works to practice at what you will likely encounter in the future.

Does that really explain why people end up conquering Cuba with a 50-foot tall Jesus in their dreams? Not so much. But I believe the majority of dreams are mundane, and we only remember the ones that are shocking and otherwise confusing.

So, to remember a dream that involved familiar settings and familiar people, it felt as though it was somewhat important. And I agree. It was shocking, and confusing.

I was wandering around my former school grounds, a series of portable metal buildings interwoven with concrete sidewalks and metal roofing. I ran into someone I haven't seen since 4th grade, but he had aged appropriately in my mind. Instead of a young, carrot-haired, freckled and bespectacled boy, he was a tall, thin, orange-haired and I guess contacts-wearing man. I knew his name, even though I can pretty confidently say I wouldn't know him from Adam if I saw him today.

We spoke about life, I guess. I don't recall most of the conversation, which is probably because in reality dreams only last a few seconds, and you have tons of them in one night. But, we got to the subject of religious paths, and he talked about going to church and his faith.

I, on the other hand, in the one quote I really remember, said, "I actually think I'm becoming an atheist."

I've never said it before. I don't even know that I've really said it out loud. But I wasn't full of shame when my dream-self spoke it. I wasn't embarrassed or apprehensive. I just... said it.

And when I woke up, I knew it was true.

I'm still processing it, but I think, in this case, admitting it to myself was the first step on a path I want to follow.